On the Right Track

Name: "Violet"

City: Helsinki, Finland

Themes: Relationship Problems,  Spiritual Illumination,  Healing,  Life Makeover, Career Change,  Relocation

Saturn in Scorpio
Birthday: 19 May 

I am currently in the middle of my first Saturn return. Having been a keen observer of astrology for some years, I started becoming aware of some great changes taking place in my life some time prior my first Saturn return was due to start, so I figured I was somewhat prepared for this pivotal time in human development.

I was born in northern Finland. Ever since being a young girl I used to dream of an escape from the conservative small town that is my home. Such an escape came when I finished comprehensive school and was about to pursue college education, as I was granted an entry to one of the few private colleges in Finland, a day's train journey from my home town. It was a college specialising in expressive arts, and I was over the moon to be following my dream to become an actress.

I moved away from home at a tender age of 16. Of course my mother resisted to the last minute, but my father always remained supportive. At first I was doing well, but gradually my interest in learning waned and without parental guidance I got more interested in spending my time in past time activities than studying. I had always been a good student, however, so I was able to swim through college with average grades. After finishing my matriculation examination I was ready to take on another challenge, and by chance spotted an ad on a newspaper to work in hospitality in the UK. Another domestic argument with my mother ensued, but once she was forced to give in and led me the money to buy a ticket to the UK and fly off to another adventure.

I spent almost ten years in Britain. I lived my life intensely to the max, embracing every experience and learning in the university of life. I was sexually abused in the first few months of my stay, but I kept it a secret and persisted in working towards realising my dreams. I gave up on the thought of becoming an actress. I fell passionately in love with a man who was ten years my senior, and who at the time was living through his own first Saturn return, although I wasn't aware of it at the time. He proposed to me a month after we had met, but we never got married. We separated three years after as I moved to another town to study in university, this time I had chosen Creative Writing with the grand idea of becoming a writer. He was my first love, and the only one so far I have loved with that passion and intensity, and the last one I will want to have that kind of a relationship ever again. But he awoke a deep sense of spirituality in me, that has only been evolving over the years.

Throughout university I was grieving the loss of my first love, and I was massively frustrated by studying a creative art in an academic way. I had many lovers, but none of them could live up to my high ideals and expectations of a life companion, and the affairs were short lived and were over within months. It wasn't until I had graduated and started my first full time job after university that I entered into a relationship with a guy who I could see myself having a family with. 

We were housemates at first, but I soon realised he had a romantic interest in me. I ignored his advances at first, but my first love popped into the scene for a short period only to vanish without a trace again like years before. I was once again left in a state of broken hearted mess, and slowly I gave into my housemate's seduction. 

It turned out to be the loveliest relationship, we were friends first and lovers second. I felt secure and happy, although I couldn't feel the kind of spiritual connection with my boyfriend that I was yearning. There were signs from early on that everything wasn't quite what it seems, and despite confronting my boyfriend about his fidelity several times, he denied my suspicions that he was cheating on me. My friends convinced me that he was too lovely to be a cheat, and I ignored my own instincts as I wanted desperately to see the best in my boyfriend.

A year and a half ago things were getting so serious that I started making compromises on what I wanted out of life in order to fit my boyfriends dreams with mine. I have always wanted to travel the world, and it was something I had discussed with him previously, too. He wasn't too keen on the idea of long-distance travel, but I thought he would get the bug if we were to do shorter trips together. We started talking about moving into a flat of our own, as we were sharing a house with three other guys.

In the summer of 2012 he came to visit Finland with me. We had a fantastic time, but right after our return back to the UK the feeling of things not being right hit me with a new force. I started having strange dreams and even experienced times during waking hours when I was certain that he was with another woman. I had no evidence and I didn't want to go digging for it, instead I chose to confront him face to face and trust him to tell me the truth. He didn't. Again he denied everything, but I was certain this time that he was lying, his reaction was that of a little boy who had been caught stealing in a candy shop. On top of everything he told our housemates I was suspecting him of cheating and turned the situation upside down.

I moved out of the house to my friend's, who at the same time had just had endometriosis done to remove malignant cells in her cervix. As the doctor had told her to rest for a few weeks I wanted look after her and make sure she would rest. It also provided me a lucky break from the increasingly heavy atmosphere in the house. I was no longer welcome there, I had become a crazy bitch. Sure, they had their reasons to think me paranoid, we were all smoking a lot of cannabis, and I was the only girl in the house, so as the heaviest smoker with an emotionally volatile nature I was an easy target.

We tried repairing the relationship during the break, but eventually we ended the thing after a disastrous date. That night I felt my heart breaking like never before. It wasn't the cheating, I could have forgiven that, I just couldn't believe someone I considered my best friend and who I had envisioned having a life and kids to be so cowardly as to lie to me.
I started smoking more and more to numb the pain of the heartbreak. I was desperately trying to concentrate on work and started making plans to travel, it was now or never. I booked a one way ticked to Mexico, but I just couldn't handle my emotions. Shortly after the break up I found out my ex had a new girlfriend. I was even more devastated. Hard as I tried to ignore all of it and move on, I finally smoked myself to a burn out. I was so paranoid now that I saw conspiracies everywhere, I even doubted the loyalty of my best friend who had taken me in and looked after me once she had recovered from her ill health. I was having waking nightmares and was afraid to sleep, which affected my work and in the end I was so burnt out I wasn't able to go to work at all.

A year ago I gave in and decided I had to come back home. I was certainly in no state to travel the world. I saw it as a defeat, but I felt like I needed to be around the people I knew who would love me and who I could trust in no matter what. I spend the Christmas at home with my parents first time in almost a decade. But my stubborn fighting spirit isn't easily subdued, and as soon as I felt a bit more balanced I booked a flight to Spain to visit some friends there. 

For a month I travelled around Spain before hitch-hiking to Italy where my childhood friend was on an exchange programme. We had been talking on Skype since my return back home and found in each other confidantes for our spiritual experiences. She had also gone through a similar experience with her ex-boyfriend, who had cheated on her. In Italy I finally was able to get some much needed support from a trusted person who could understand what I was going through. And although I was still very lost in terms of my life direction, I was able to gain some much needed balance and regain my poise.

I ran out of money in April and flew back home. This time I chose to stay with my older sister in the Finnish capital of Helsinki, and she gave me a very needed reality check in terms of sorting my life out. Although I was very resistant to stay in Finland in the beginning, my love and respect for my sister forced me to make a proper effort in finding a flat, a job, and starting over properly.

It hasn't been easy, last summer I was the poorest I have been since moving to the UK. I had to struggle for months while I waited for the state to process the paperwork in order to get my status as a full Finnish citizen back with the benefits that follow with the incredible social support system of this country. But it was also one of the best summers I have ever had. I felt so free with all the time I had in my hands being unemployed and cycling around Helsinki, getting to know the capital of my native country. I went through a lot of red herrings as I threw myself into different social circles to find my own people and build a network I could rely on. Gradually things got better, I got a bank account, a flat, a job, found like minded friends...

I know things are still in a state of transition, but pushing myself to be positive despite the angst and difficulties I have faced I am more optimistic about the future. I have just applied to a polytechnic in my home town to study upholstery and interior building, something I was considering at the time when I applied to that expressive arts college. I am learning to be by myself as I have realised one of my greatest fears is to be alone, so I am learning to have a better relationship with myself in order to be able to have better relationships with others. I am almost completely sober these days, I have only smoked cannabis a couple of times since my return to Finland and I have deliberately avoided people and situations that may tempt me back into it. I hardly drink either. 

The biggest lesson for me has been to find out who am I really and what do I really want to do in life. I know I have been living too much to other people's expectations in my life, and now it's time I do what feels right to me. And it doesn't have to be grand or I don't need an important position in life, I just want to be able to express my creativity and find a job I will love so as not to feel like I am working every day for my living. I am still dreaming of travelling the world, but I am not in a hurry. I'd rather be near my family and look after my elderly parents while they are still around. And I know for certain now that I don't want to have children, I never really did. 

I still have a good year of my Saturn return left, but I feel like I am on the right track now. I have stopped resisting and fighting and rebelling and instead I have started to listen and look for the signs to learn from every opportunity that is given to me. I'm not looking for love any more. I know love will find me, one day when I am ready. Meanwhile, I will go back to school, and this time there will be no slacking or distractions. This time I am more mature to learn under the guidance of the old scythe bearer.